A sassy, crafty mama bird from Los Angeles
raising a very sweet little girl with Autism
and a new baby boy in the Midwest... and other stuff, too.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Pregnancy After Disability

I am now more than halfway through this pregnancy. I've tried to write this post a couple time, but I'm just too tired. Sorry if it's sub-par. Little Bird will be nine by the time "baby brother" arrives. It took me nine years to be ready and willing to walk through the fear, the what ifs. Truthfully, I never thought I'd do this again. It's taken a tremendous amount of hope, faith, and trust in the process to get here.

Surprisingly, I've had far less anxiety than I thought I would. The worry and the constant "what if"ing was definitely a concern before trying to conceive. I'm sure being distracted by the nausea, dizziness, discomfort, heartburn, fat thighs weight gain, and the kick boxer living inside my belly helps to distract me. But mostly, I think the surreality of being pregnant and having another child has replaced any opportunity for too much anxiety. Of course it's there, but it's not an obsession, like I'd expected/feared. Apparently, this is a common thing with moms pregnant after having a child with a disability. A friend described the same feelings with her second pregnancy, too. Almost unable to grasp the gravity of the pregnancy because of that surreality.

I'm lucky enough to have a friend also going through a pregnancy after having a child with a disability/disease who understands these strange feelings and is able to share them with me. It's a blessing to have people in my life that get it.

Am I scared? YES. I don't know that I have the strength to go through the same struggles I'd endured, continue to endure, and those that lie ahead with Little Bird. Of course, I didn't know I had it the first time around either. What's that saying about finding out how strong moms are once they're in hot water? Or is that tea bags? Whatever.

People ask me, "are there any tests you can do?" They mean to detect the Autism that made my life, well, my life. There aren't any tests. There are tests for other things, yes. But, not this. I remain cautiously optimistic, but I'm afraid to be too happy, too excited, to have expectations. I'm sure that's a normal response for someone in my slippers shoes. Finally! Something that's normal about my experience!

Am I happy to be having a baby? YES! Excited at the hopeful possibilities? YES! Scared? YES! Cautiously optimistic? YES. I'm all those things. Thankfully, more than anything, I'm excited for him to be here to complete our family, to hug and kiss him and to love him like mad.

25 weeks



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