A sassy, crafty mama bird from Los Angeles
raising a very sweet little girl with Autism
and a new baby boy in the Midwest... and other stuff, too.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Why I Won't Be on Facebook this Sunday

Ongoing/chronic grief. That's what my therapist calls it. It comes in waves. Raising a child like Little Bird can be incredibly rewarding. I take nothing for granted. There are rarely little things, and they're always appreciated. A few days ago, I had the step stool out in the kitchen (because I'm short, yo) and I watched her push the stool over to the fridge so she could reach the iPad that was on top. There's so much that goes into that planning. I see it and celebrate it all. When I say it's time to leave the library and she runs away from me, I remember a doctor's words, "she might never walk." When she shouts rap lyrics in public, I remember how silent she was until she was about 3. Nothing has ever come easily to her- well, nothing except for cuteness. It's kind of a fact.

I am very proud of her and very proud of the mother that she's taught me to become. Still, I know that I'll continue to be hit with these waves, especially as life goes on. The waves will crash when Little Bird's typically developing peers get ready for their bar/bat mitzvahs, get driver's licenses, prepare to move out, go to college, get married, start careers, have families of their own, etc. I can go on and on (and I often do around 3am!). 

There are a few times of year that my heart breaks and I really ride those waves of chronic grief. Mothers Day is always a rough one for me. It's so hard to hear about the wonderful things the normies do for their moms to celebrate Mothers Day, and to hear the moms who have the parenting experience I wanted so badly share how wonderful it is for them. As a member of the "moms of kiddos with special needs" club, I suffer from what-the-f?-this-isn't-the-kind-of-motherhood-I-signed-up-for-ism. Like I really need another day of the year to be reminded of that one! 

So, why torture myself? I'll just stay far, far away from Facebook this Sunday. It's like a thousand postcards showing up from Italy while I'm stuck in Holland. Luckily, the mail doesn't show up on Sundays so I can't get distracted from that sweet, funny, beautiful little tulip of mine.  

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