|This is Jill. No, really. It is.|
Earlier, I’m walking home from Trader Joe’s (this is an irrelevant but necessary fact to point out, that I had been to Trader Joe’s; mostly because I love that I live 3 blocks from a Trader Joe’s and I like to mention it whenever I can) and there’s this woman having one of those awkwardly loud cell phone conversations in front of her house. She is apparently fighting with the father of her children (I just assume it’s a man, although you can’t ever really be sure) about what I can only call “their different parenting styles,” and she says “I just don’t understand why you something something something something….” There’s a pause, and then she says “So, you just don’t have time to have children.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. The person she was talking to apparently doesn’t have time to have children. And I thought, I wonder what he’s saying now? How is he defending himself? I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s heard this kind of thing from her, because here she is not at all being embarrassed at having this exceptionally loud cell phone argument in the middle of a crowded neighborhood; surely she’s done this before, and surely he has a prepared answer.
I felt kind of bad for him, but then again, I only heard that one little piece. And, as I rounded the corner and the sound of her indignant shouting faded, I thought… “You know what? I don’t have time to have children, either!”
Seriously, man, I mean I love those little guys and all but they really cramp my style. So, I thought I might come up with a list of things that I could and no doubt would be doing, if only I didn’t have these time suckers to constantly take care of. Join me on this journey, won’t you?
1. I would travel the world… HA HA HA HA HA…. No, I’m totally kidding. I would never do that. Okay, let’s start again…..
1. I would pursue my dream to be a rock star. I’ve got the talent. I’ve got the looks. I’ve got the attitude. I’ve got the brass balls. It’s just that these kids take up so much of my time, I’ve never been able to go out and make this happen, is all. (Note: I don’t actually have the talent or the looks; just the attitude and that other thing).
2. I would be a Nobel prize winning novelist. My books would save lives and influence people. Because I have that kind of talent, you know; you’ve read my blog, right? Oh, you have read it? Well. This is awkward, then, isn’t it? Okay, moving on…..
3. I would throw wild parties every night and invite only the coolest and hippest people. I was going to make a joke here, but at first I typed “hippiest” and I think that typo actually speaks for itself.
4. I would be a world class chef; in fact, I would be an Iron Chef! There’s a reason that Macaroni and Cheese has never been a secret ingredient, you know… and it’s because those hoity-toity chef-type people just don’t know how to think outside the box! If I were an Iron Chef, you can bet that Chicken and Broccoli Casseroles would be heavily featured.
5. I would stay up late drinking every night, and sleep until noon every day. Oh, who am I kidding? I do that now! I guess kids haven’t really cramped my lifestyle all that much, after all.