I can easily see the change after that. Yes, I faked it pretty well, but I can still see it. Anyway, since it was kinda tough from the beginning, I never got to the point where I was ready to have another baby. Then five years went by and it just got harder and harder. Now I'm even further away from thinking of having another kid.
I'm writing this post for everyone who asks me at least once a week when and if I'll have another child
People really do ask all the time. Every time they do, I have to swallow the lump in my throat and remind myself to inhale and then exhale again. Of course I'd like to have another child. My husband would really like to have another child. What holds me back from going for it is the fear that this could happen again.... or worse. I've seen way too much sitting in waiting rooms and googled so many horrible things that my little bird has been tested for over the years. In short, I know too much. Plus, how could I possibly take care of LB and another human being? I couldn't give to LB what I give now and another kid would get so gypped (my apologies to any gypsies reading this) for attention. The biggest bottom line is that I cannot risk this happening again. Some (most) days I'm barely hanging on to sanity with one kid with sp needs. Two would send me over the fucking edge.
I have often said that I'd rather regret not having another child, than having one. Sad. I know.
Sometimes I wish we didn't know until LB was older because I probably would've done it again. Then, she'd have a playmate, another at-home teammate, someone to learn from, someone to protect her as she gets older and gets teased in school or life. I know that my friends will make their kids be nice to her and (if she can go to school) protect her from bullies. But, it's probably not the same as a sibling. The biggest reason I wish she had a sibling is - breathe - because someone's gonna need to take care of her when she's a grown up. Of course, I also want desperately to have the experience of raising a typical kid: soccer games, birthday parties, dance recitals, playmates, fun times. Those pics people post of their little kids' recitals or soccer games, or the cute things they say, or them with their friends (REAL friends)- they fucking kill me. Don't get me wrong, I have fun times, they're just slightly bittersweet. I've changed my definition of fun and normal.
I'm the only mom of an autistic kid that I know without a sibling for that kiddo. I have a lot of friends with one kid with ASD and another who is neurotypical (NT). But, I know a lot of moms who had more than one with ASD. I'm just not willing to take that risk. Trust me, it makes me sad to even type that. If someone could give me a guarantee that a kid would be NT, I'd go for it today. I never thought I'd have kids, but I also never thought I'd have just one.
So I wonder: brother, can you spare a brother?