A sassy, crafty mama bird from Los Angeles
raising a very sweet little girl with Autism
and a new baby boy in the Midwest... and other stuff, too.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Green eyed monster

"You do it to yourself, you do.
And that's why it really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you.
You and no one else"
-Radiohead
There's a reason that they call jealousy/envy a green-eyed monster. It is a fucking monster. And it eats me alive- when I let it. I know that my not-normal kid needs to be exposed to typical kids, but why, oh why do I continue to torture myself with playdates with said typical kids? I'm not sure the benefit outweighs the pain, frustration, fears, and reminders. I took Little Bird to play with a kid we've known since the girls were infants (they're about a month apart) and it's just a hard, painful reminder that my kid can't do things that the others can do. The simplest things. The basic life skills things: dress herself (this other girl played dress up and threw her clothes on and off so easily!), go to the bathroom herself, get her own snack- she even grabbed scissors out of a drawer and opened a pack of snacks! Don't get me started on the fact that my kid stayed silent the entire hour and a half we were there- though I think she did shriek with excitement as she spun herself around and around. More fodder for my fears of this kid living with me forever, never being able to do most of the things that these other kid can do without even blinking. I hate you, envy. I do. Sigh. I had a rough night as I brought home a very whiney, out of it kid. This is tough work to do alone, yet that's what I'm facing. The call this morning that the play tutor is still sick and cancelled did not help. I had to cancel breakfast with a girlfriend, which would have been the only thing I'd have done for myself today because I knew I wouldn't have my shit together. When I flaked on my friend, JG, and tried to explain why, she sent me a text: you are one of the strongest people I know. Hmmmm, not feeling so strong right now. By the way, the reason I post such a pathetic, depressing post is because this is what it's really like sometimes. This is what it is to parent a kid with special needs in the real world. Most people have NO clue, and I can't blame them because how would they ever know? But if someone hears my story, then maybe she'll be a little more compassionate toward the next mom that comes along. Because this life can be kinda lonely and the world of a mommy to a kid like mine gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

2 comments:

My name is Erin. said...

I understand. I really do.

Abby has been so whiney lately. It makes my head feel like it's going to explode sometimes. I have to ask most questions at least 3 times and wait for up to a minute (sometimes more) for an answer. And even though Abby talks at play dates, the other kids usually don't know what she's saying or why, because it's often inappropriate to what the play scenario is. I know we live on opposite sides of the State, but I take strength from knowing that you're here, too. I'm not alone and neither are you.

XO

Dani G said...

Yeah, the processing delay is so frustrating sometimes. It's just so weird that other times she answers me before I finish the question. Brodie gets so frustrated when I can't understand her and she can't get her needs/wants met. That's when I see the most whiney-ness/tantrums.
I just hate the reminders that she's so very different. I mean, no, she's not rocking in the corner, but she is still very very sick. On days like these I feel the hope slipping away :(

I, too, am grateful that you're there/here. It's a journey...

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