"You do it to yourself, you do.
And that's why it really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you.
You and no one else"
-RadioheadThere's a reason that they call jealousy/envy a green-eyed monster. It is a fucking monster. And it eats me alive- when I let it. I know that my not-normal kid needs to be exposed to typical kids, but why, oh why do I continue to torture myself with playdates with said typical kids? I'm not sure the benefit outweighs the pain, frustration, fears, and reminders. I took Little Bird to play with a kid we've known since the girls were infants (they're about a month apart) and it's just a hard, painful reminder that my kid can't do things that the others can do. The simplest things. The basic life skills things: dress herself (this other girl played dress up and threw her clothes on and off so easily!), go to the bathroom herself, get her own snack- she even grabbed scissors out of a drawer and opened a pack of snacks! Don't get me started on the fact that my kid stayed silent the entire hour and a half we were there- though I think she did shriek with excitement as she spun herself around and around. More fodder for my fears of this kid living with me forever, never being able to do most of the things that these other kid can do without even blinking. I hate you, envy. I do. Sigh. I had a rough night as I brought home a very whiney, out of it kid. This is tough work to do alone, yet that's what I'm facing. The call this morning that the play tutor is still sick and cancelled did not help. I had to cancel breakfast with a girlfriend, which would have been the only thing I'd have done for myself today because I knew I wouldn't have my shit together. When I flaked on my friend, JG, and tried to explain why, she sent me a text: you are one of the strongest people I know. Hmmmm, not feeling so strong right now. By the way, the reason I post such a pathetic, depressing post is because this is what it's really like sometimes. This is what it is to parent a kid with special needs in the real world. Most people have NO clue, and I can't blame them because how would they ever know? But if someone hears my story, then maybe she'll be a little more compassionate toward the next mom that comes along. Because this life can be kinda lonely and the world of a mommy to a kid like mine gets smaller and smaller and smaller.